Olivia

Rest In Peace, my baby that would never be a big girl

BecHa — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 10:03:00 GMT

Olivia would have been 4 years old today. She would have been starting with school this week. Time flies. Time heals. But I still cry when I think of her in these moments: when I imagine that I would bring three kids to school this morning, and not two; when Alisa and Charlie make drawings of her and for her.

I am grateful for having Olivia in my life, in our lives: as a memory, as a presence, as a lesson, as a reminder: life is short. Live it. Love it.

She taught me that death is part of life.

She taught me that pain is real, missing hurts, sadness exists - and they are all bearable. These feelings are here to deal with them, to go through them, and to get over them. Stronger. And able to enjoy again: life. Passionately! Love. Pleasures. Joys.

She taught me to be strong. When I get stuck, I think: I have survived losing my baby, I can deal with anything! And I think: what would that Vesna do, Vesna that made all those promises to live fully and love honestly and be brave...... And I still make mistakes, and I still need to re-learn the same lesson over and over again, but there is progress, there is happiness and bliss, there is ecstasy and peace. Sometimes ;-)

I am grateful to my loved ones, who helped me through these years: I am always with you, in love and in pain. Thank you for sharing, for tears and for laughs, for body and for soul. You are always in my heart. You know who you are.

No surprises

BecHa — Sat, 01 May 2010 13:03:00 GMT

God, they choose such good music for House (M.D.)! Season 5 ended with "As Tears Go By" -- amazing! And least week we watched the first episode of the Season 6. Apart from being one of the most powerful episodes ever, it also stated and ended with this song: Radiohead, "No Surprises". Wow... A right song for me -- I hardly like unexpected, unplanned things. No Uncertainties. Unfortunately, reality teaches me the opposite every time... Thank you.

A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.

You look so tired-unhappy,
bring down the government,
they don't, they don't speak for us.
I'll take a quiet life, a handshake 
of carbon monoxide,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
Silence, silence.

This is my final fit,
my final 
bellyache
with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.

Such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.

No alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises, please.

Remebering Olivia: Two years are gone...

BecHa — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 02:14:00 GMT

It was Olivia's second "birthday" on the 17th January. For me, the whole time around the new-year's eve is full of very painful memories... in retrospect.

(link to the long story on her site - not for the overly sensitive readers!)

So I was supposed to do something for her anniversary. But, apart from being painful, it was also getting complicated! By now it was becoming a formality -- but for me it was something very personal! My parents stayed in Amsterdam longer specially for this occasion (and other reasons, but hey...). They were expecting me to do something. I could not even talk to them -- I hate to always have to act tough and in control and responsible, even when I am falling apart and need support. And of course, they could not talk to me. Nana tried, but it was a wrong moment, and too late anyway. I did not arrange anything with Camiel in advance -- it is still difficult for me to make agreements with him. I was not ready to make a final decision about what to do with Olivia's ashes. And the only person I could talk with was Angel (and my therapist). But even with him was getting more complicated, so I decided to not decide.

I asked Alisa: what shall we do for Olivia's second birthday? And she said: "We can go to Artis, she would like that. She would be just able to walk, and talk a little..". Wow! The fact Alisa knows that babies of two are able to walk and talk is amazing in itself! So, that's what we did: Alisa, Charlie, Angel and me, we went to Artis. And Olivia, in our hearts and minds. We went to the Japanese restaurant for dinner. It was a very nice day after all.

When I was looking at the butterflies in the zoo, I was thinking of her as one of them - such a short time on this earth, and still so beautiful and powerfully influencing so many lives...

Several people remembered, and sent me their thoughts and support. Thank you! And Bogdan brought flowers.

Another thing I did in her memory was to bring about 150 books for the library in the Lucas-Andreas hospital -- the one I associate with Olivia. I've called many times to arrange it; Alisa and me have put the stamp of the letter "O" in all the books; I took them there in 3 boxes, loaded in my "bakfiets"; and cried all the way there and all the way back. My idea was -- create a mini-memorial-library, and also help patients there by giving them books to read. // Unfortunately, two weeks later they called me to come and take the books back: the letters were too small for sick people to read. Ah well. It was a good intention. Now I have to wait for the Book Crossing event in April in Amsterdam.

It's been a year. Without Olivia.

BecHa — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:10:00 GMT

i'm very busy with thinking about olivia,  
planning "events" and things,                                                   
but .. not much time to have some calm & peace ...                                                                                                              
i think i will postpone throwing the ashes...                                                                                                                   
maybe there will be someday some time to do this slowly, quietly...                                                                                             
but ...                                                                                                                                                         
the decision can still wait..                                                                                                                                   
one whole day...                                                                                                                                                
or maybe there will never be a good moment -- but so what??                                                                                                     
it doesn't matter any more anyway!!                                                                                                                             
and why force it? why force things? why force anything??

I made a tattoo today.

Based on my own design - modified Yin-Yang symbol: in every darkness there is a light heart, and in every lightness there is a dark heart.

Painful memories of today's date one year ago, made Olivia in one more way a part of me forever.

photos
Thanks for the tattoo, Hollywood Mark!

Thinking about my Olivia, my body, my house(s)

BecHa — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 17:27:00 GMT

Yesterday and the day before was 10-month anniversary of Olivia's death and birth. I was thinking, crying, singing, remembering and talking about her, a lot.

I was, and I am, staying in so many different houses these days, that it made me think about importance, or rather un-importance of the house as such - any house: in each one of them I will have some memories, hopes, fantasies, plans, joys, fears, loves... And in each one of them the only constant thing will be me, myself, I. So this it what I need to focus on - how to deal with myself; how to feel good with myself and about myself; how to find, arrange, decorate... not a house, but myself ;-)

And then, there is yet another metaphor, which is maybe stretching (sic!) it a bit: my body is a house of my ... Self? Soul? Spirit?

Recently, I had to re-think my relationship to my body: after three pregnancies and three child-births and two breast-feeding time-periods of a year each, I do not look like I used to remember myself. And I did not enjoy myself the way I used to. But now - I do, again! In a new way! As a MILF ;-) And with a help of my Angel :-)

Here is the web page that helped me a lot yesterday (hvala, Nano!) The Shape of a Mother. They have a section on child loss, but decide carefully if you want to read and look at those photos...

Babies, babies everywhere...

BecHa — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:06:00 GMT

I am reminded of my own lost baby, and it's very painful... There are babies everywhere: on the beach there are many, and I am always calculating: "this is how old Olivia would be now", or a bit smaller, or a bit bigger...; one girlfriend came to visit us in Bakkum, so I got to hold her son - but I blocked all my thought and feelings of Olivia at those moments, not to start crying again; another girlfriend lost her baby at 9 weeks - and now I know how she must feel now; and Nikolina gave birth to her son just days ago!! I'm happy for her, but it shows even more the emptiness Olivia left in my life.

Greetings from Noord Zee - Bakkum Strand

BecHa — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 21:45:00 GMT

(28-07-2008) In the middle of my two weeks of vacation, I found a day when the Internet is for free (by their mistake...)! Usually, I pay EUR 3.75 per hour, and then connect to the wireless in the launderette ;-) They don't really want people to charge their laptops and mobile phones here, I guess, since all the electricity plugs along the walls are switched off - but I found a way to hack the system: there is also an ordinary plug on the top of one cupboard, and I'm using that one. I'm sure I'm not supposed to, but no-one told me off yet, so my laptop battery is almost fully charged by now.

Our days are very much unplugged here: no electricity in our "huisje", so the mobile phones are also switched off most of the time; no movies, very little music, from the hand-wind-up radio ;-)

Instead, we go to the beach twice a day, to avoid the biggest heat and the strongest sun. We swim few times a day - the water is surprisingly warm, as in not-as-cold-as-usual. The kids love it - the beach, the sand, the waves...

We also pick a lot of "bramen" (black-berries) - just like last year... which brings memories and thought of Olivia, who is not with us, altho we expected her to join us, since she took part in the berries-hunt the whole last summer... There are lot of babies (of what would be) her age here, and it hurts to see them, and to think that she would be as big as them now, able to hold her head by herself, but not to quite sit yet...

However, this is not my favorite holiday destination: it's too close to home, and it's too ordinary (in other words, not far enough, not exotic enough. On vacation, I want to forget the normal life, to be anonymous, to be someone new, and to relax...

Olivia, 6 months ago: To be my angel, you don't need wings

BecHa — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:17:00 GMT

Angel

I came from the park
the smell of death and birds
I just came out of the dark
I was alone in heaven

this tunnel
there's a light at the end of it
but the end
there's always an end
a patient (?) twin (?) 


drive, just drive
and don't tell anybody anything
close the doors
open your eyes

drive, just drive
and don't say "I'm gonna regret this thing"
'cause you know: to be my angel
you don't need wings


I just came out of the dark
darkness at the end 
the end 
of the road
do you know where the road to the heaven; alone
in heaven 
do you wanna be 

I come from the other side of the river
the other side of the window
the other side 

I'm coming


drive, just drive
and don't tell anybody anything
close the doors
open your eyes

drive, just drive
and don't say "I'm gonna regret this thing"
cause you know:
to be my angel
to be my angel
to be my angel
you don't need wings

(by "Buka i Bes" - means "Thunder and Fury")
(via Olja Lakicevic, from the band Autopark - thanks!)


Angel (Massive Attack) 

You are my angel
Come from way above
To bring me love

Her eyes
She's on the dark side
Neutralize
Every man in sight

To love you, love you, love you ...

You are my angel
Come from way above

To love you, love you, love you ...

Kad si zvezda sele moja...

BecHa — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:29:00 GMT

Dok sam bila sa decom u Beogradu, palo mi je na pamet da pevam neke druge naše pesme Alisi pred spavanje. Za ovu pesmu je odmah rekla: "To je o Oliviji!" - jer je i Olivija sada medju zvezdama...


Pjevam danju pjevam nocu - Zdravko Colic

Pjevam danju pjevam nocu,
Pjevam sele što god hocu
I što hocu to I mogu
Samo jedno još ne mogu

Da zapjevam glasovito
Glasovito, silovito
Da te dignem sa zemljice
Da te metnem med zvijezdice
Da zapjevam glasovito
Glasovito, silovito
Da te dignem sa zemljice
Da te metnem med zvijezdice

      Kad si zvijezda sele moja
      Da si medu zvijezdicama
      Medu svojim sele moja
      Medu svojim sestricama

YouTube videos:
Snimano sa televizije (bukvalno): sa doceka Nove Godine u Novim Sadu
Kucni video (bukvalno ;-) : neko ko imitira Zdravka Colica - i Lokice

Dva meseca od kako se rodila Olivija

BecHa — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 22:25:00 GMT

Alisa, Charlie, ja i secanje na Oliviju smo u Beogradu. Camiel je u Amsterdamu i Bakkam-u. Ovde je vec stiglo prolece - vreme je mekano i pitomo, drvece je rascvetalo: mene raduje, a Charliju daje polensku groznicu. Alisa bere cvece i uplice ga u kosu. Juce je sunce bilo tako jako da sam morala da ih mazem kremom za suncanje. Vidjamo se sa rodjacima i prijateljima, i odmaramo. Tek treba da pocnem da "radim" razne stvari koje treba da obavim dok sam ovde... ali mi se jos ne da. Prilicno sam umorna i bezvoljna. I to ce proci...